she looked like the bat from fern gully.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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