I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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