Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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