she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
