Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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