im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
