trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
