So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
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I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
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I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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