She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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