I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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