Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
