somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
