i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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