my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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