and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I am available for nakedness
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
