Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
