Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
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Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
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It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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