It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
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My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
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She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.