bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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