Taylor Swift is so right about you.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Randomize
