I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
