i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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