I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Holy shit dude........stairs
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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