please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
