Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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