WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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