she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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