I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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