He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I don't think brook has ever known best
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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