Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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