girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
