i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Can you repeat that, but with context?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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