your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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