She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
