Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
