how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
