remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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