you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
