dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
