New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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