You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
