Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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