What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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