My nipple is on Facebook.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
