All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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