I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
