You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
