Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
