he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.