If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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