Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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