Who did Billy Mays play for?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
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he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
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he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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