I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
