Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Why can't burritos get me drunk
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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