I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
