he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
