please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
