I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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