so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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