A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
