i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
