It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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