Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
